We learnt about love languages in our marriage class yesterday. Although it was something we learnt long ago in church, it was a good refresher. Sometimes what u think may be your primary/secondary love language may not be so. For example, the facilitator was sharing about how she got quite upset with her husband recently during their anniversary. He brought her to Equinox and was thinking she would enjoy the effort he put into planning this night out but she wasn't happy at all when she realised he came empty-handed. She later realised that her secondary love language was gift-giving.For myself, my primary love language is very simple - affirming words. I strongly believe that there is life and also death in words. And of cos, it is not just the words, but also the tone of voice and the body language. The words themselves only make up 7% of the message conveyed.
I also did some thinking about my secondary love language and I would say it is quality time. Actually, I am surprised by that. I love to be by myself in actual fact, perhaps because I am an introvert and I feel energised and recharged when I have time to myself. Thus, I never thought quality time would be important to me. But I realised that it is the quality of the time together and not necessarily the quantity of time that mattered to me. When one gives me focused attention, willing to listen to me completely and show interest in what I am saying, I feel loved.
As for Joe, he told me that words of affirmation and gift-giving are important to him. Gift-giving! Hmm... shouldn't that be the guy's job? Hahha! Dear, are you really sure about your love languages or you trying to be funny? ;) Read below for more info on words of affirmation and quality time:
The Power of Affirming Words
The Power of the Tongue
Mark Twain once said, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.” Good for Mark Twain, but I don’t know many husbands and wives who can survive on six compliments a year. Solomon, author of the ancient Hebrew wisdom literature, wrote, “The tongue has the power of life and death.” Many couples have never learned the tremendous power of verbally affirming each other. Verbal compliments are powerful communicators of love.
Encouraging Words
One way to verbally affirm your spouse is to give encouraging words. Allison always wanted to be a writer, but after receiving her first rejection slip from the publisher, she gave up. One evening her husband Keith came into the den and said, “I hate to interrupt your reading, but I have to tell you this. I just finished reading your article. Allison, you are an excellent writer. This stuff ought to be published! Your words paint pictures that I can visualize. You have got to submit this stuff to some magazines.” “Do you really think so?” Allison asked. “I know so,” Keith said. “I’m telling you, this is good.”
Ten years later, Allison has had several articles published and has her first book contract. She credits her success to Keith’s words of encouragement. Perhaps your spouse has untapped potential in one or more areas of life. That potential may be awaiting your encouraging words.
Focus on Your Spouse
There is a difference between encouraging words and nagging words. Encouraging words always
focus on something your spouse wants to do, not something you want them to do. A nag is anything you tell your spouse more than three times.
"It's Not What You Said. It's How You Said It!"
If we are to express love by words of affirmation, those words must be kind words. Kindness has to do with the manner in which we speak. Sometimes our words are saying one thing, but our tone of voice is saying another. Our spouse will usually interpret our message based on our tone of voice, not the words we use. The same words expressed with a loud, harsh voice will not be an expression of love, but an expression of condemnation and judgment. An ancient sage once said, “a soft answer turns away anger."
Speaking the Love Language of Quality Time
Quality time is giving someone your undivided attention. I don’t mean sitting on the couch watching television. I mean sitting on the couch with the TV off, looking at each other and talking, and giving each other your undivided attention. For some people, quality time is their primary love language, and if you don’t give them quality time, they will not feel loved. Is it possible that your spouse’s primary love language is quality time?
Quality time is a powerful emotional communicator of love. One medicine does not cure all diseases. So one love language does not communicate emotionally to all people. If you give your spouse affirming words; If you express love by acts of service; If you touch them affectionately; and they still complain, “You don’t ever have time for me. We used to do things together. Now you are always too busy or too tired,” they are telling you that their primary love language is quality time.
The Essence of Quality Time
A central aspect of quality time is togetherness. I do not mean proximity. Togetherness has to do with focused attention. A husband who is watching sports on television while he talks to his wife is not giving her quality time, because she does not have his full attention. A husband and wife playing tennis together, if it is genuine quality time, will focus not on the game, but on the fact that they are spending time together.
Dialects of Quality Time
Like words of affirmation, the language of quality time also has many dialects. One of the most common dialects is that of quality conversation. By quality conversation, I mean sympathetic dialogue where two people are sharing their experiences, their thoughts, their feelings, and their desires in a friendly, uninterrupted context. If your spouse’s primary love languages is quality time, such dialogue is crucial to his or her emotional sense of being loved. Sit down. Ask questions, and listen.
Tips for Keeping the Love Tank Full
I want to conclude by giving you four tips on how to have a quality conversation with your spouse:
1. Maintain eye contact when your spouse is talking.
2. Don’t listen to your spouse and do something else at the same time.
3. Listen for feelings. Ask yourself, “What emotion is my spouse experiencing?”
4. Refuse to interrupt. Such interruptions indicate, “I don’t care what you are saying; listen to me."
Such active listening will fill the love tank of the person whose primary love language is quality time.
Excerpts taken from The Five Love Languages: How to Express Heartfelt Commitment to Your Mate by Gary Chapman.
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